Nairita
Every day, people are fat-shamed, onlineand in real life, often while being in a successful position in their career or are in a position of power. The definitions of the perfect female physique by patriarchy have evolved over the years to now look like young children, often reflecting paedophilic tendencies. They want our limbs to be pencil thin, women shall always look young. The male definitions reflect the fear of the strong woman, someone who cannot be ‘handled.’
In class four, at a parents - teachers meeting, my mother was told that I was fine in academics but wasn’t a good dancer. The reason, according to them, was that when I bent I couldn’t touch my toes.
For me, fat-shaming began when I was just 10 years old.
By the time I hit puberty, I hated to look in the mirror. My ‘friends’ would pick the left-overs from their dishes and dump it in my lunch box because to them, I was a hungry bear. When I was 14, I was punished in school because I tripped and fell down while running and my skirt got dirty. I didn’t have the best body for wearing a school skirt it seemed. They couldn’t change the school uniform so they decided to make me fit into it by punishing me. I was made to stand outside the class for half a day with my swollen, bleeding knees. It was only when I collapsed down on the floor that they realized that I had actually injured myself and wasn’t lying.
I was punished for drinking water without asking. ‘You will not get to drink water for the rest of the day since you broke the rule of the school. Others didn’t have to drink water during the assembly, only you had to. How much more fat do you want to get?’ I was asked.
When like every other teen I imagined that some boy from the school adjacent to mine would have a crush on me, I was told that I was the least favourite girl amongst the boys.
I don’t know why but it never grew on me to hurt anyone for not having the ‘barbie’ figure but I was insulted every day for weighing 60+ kg at the age of fifteen.
It was only when I was18 that I realized that the image that I saw on the mirror wasn’t that ugly. But hey, it couldn’t be so for the rest of the world right? Have you ever heard of getting ranked out of 10 for how you look? Something similar to the list that was circulated in ‘13 Reasons Why.’ Like hey, she is a 9 or wow, that girl is cute and she could be an 8 or a 9? In college, four guys were giving such numbers to girls as they passed by. I went up to them and told them that it was a very silly thing to do. ‘We don’t give numbers to guys as they pass by,’ I’d said. Then one of the guys told me that I was reacting because I was jealous. I would only score a two, and that too just for my ‘big buttocks that can be spanked.’
I felt burdened to be beautiful. Or else nobody would like me.
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| The Vagina Monologues Poster: Wikimedia Commons |
Things changed due to a lot of factors. When I was twenty, I overheard my mother telling someone over phone ‘I am proud of my daughter. She is beautiful in my eyes.’ I felt so glad that day. At the same time, in college, we had classes on the ‘barbie doll figure.’ Kaustubh Ray, our professor, explained how fat-shaming is normalised. I gained confidence about my body type when I read the book ‘The Vagina Monologues.’ A few of my closest friends also used to say that people were jealous of my strong personality, jealous that I speak up and that was why they tried to fat-shame me. I got more comfortable about my body when I started sharing space with them.
It is absolutely strange that in this film school too, people find fat shaming amusing. I was asked by my classmates here not to climb a ladder. They were scared it would break under my weight. People call me lazy because I am fat. Don’t ask me how that’s related. Nothing makes sense.
I don't care anymore. I don’t take insults and keep shut. I react now. I ask them, ‘so what if I am fat?’ ‘what is your point?’ ‘you think being fat is wrong?’ ‘does my being fat hurt you in any way?’ ‘I don’t live to fit your definition of anything.’ Sometimes I ignore them.
I refused to fit in. Then the world started changing to make space for me.
Nairita is a student of Editing at Satyajit Ray Film and Television Institute, Kolkata.
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